The Pain of Sacrificing

This one is gonna be a personal pain for me.

Some will say "oh get over it, and get on" some might say" you poor thing" and some might even
say" well , boo - hoo, to bad ,so sad, your loss"
but I don't care, I'm not as calloused as I used to be, and I was REALLY BAD CALLOUSED and those who know me,
and knew me well at that time will agree as to how calloused I was, I am to a point these days too,
but also in time when the right kind of "softner" is applied and room given, one tends to soften and let the guard down for a bit.

Its been said : Nobody said life was easy, And as well : If you Love something set it free,
if it comes back it was yours or meant to be.
Well I have been for a LONG time now battling with myself over a decision to move out from my boyfriend's home and get back to being me again, and I did, I moved out today, but have such pain in my heart and am so scared right now.
I do love this man, he has taken decent care of me, but yet his faults and short comings have gotten the best of me.
For the first time in my life I actually don't want to give up a man. Not sure if its because he gave me the time and space to deal with the demons and hate I carried inside me due to a VERY NASTY and HATEFUL divorce/ child custody battle.

When me and my oldest Daughter moved back home from Salina, Oklahoma back in April of 2000, I HATED the very exsistance of MEN in general. I do some to this day, and some types of women as well.
Many of my family members and a couple of friends asked me each time If I was sure at my decision on me moving out and as well as asking me about my boy friend's son.
But when it comes to making self sacrifices of this kind of accord, you find out just how painful to you being the "other party" it really is.
I can honestly say say I know now what its like being on both ends of that stick. I have been the "dumped" and now I am the "dumper", and it feels even worse than being dumped.
But making SACRIFICES is part of what life is about, no matter if they are a painful sacrifice or not.
Some may say " oh there are more fish in the sea out there" to me with this sacrifice, I feel I have really lost more than what I lost in Oklahoma. And I LOST ALOT back in Oklahoma, A LOT.
I tried to explain to my boyfriend why I am moving out like I am and that I have been tossing this around much longer than he thinks, He thinks I JUST decided to do this on a spur of the moment, but no , I haven't.
I'd say a little over a year now I have tossed it around and battled with it. But then it really started to kick in when my Mother spent 3 weeks in the hospital and I had no way to be able to go visit her at all.
Then the BIG RED FORD Truck my boyfriend drives broke down back in the late spring of last year and sat out in the drive way for about 4 or 5 months, and during that time he took the car he had, and traded it in on another truck, which could not be afforded either on payments.
Well back in late October or early November of last year, he found someone to take over payments on the small red truck he had gotten, because I wasn't working , but had been out putting in applications just about each and everyday.
I could of been working long before that, but the work times that were slated for the job I could of had would not
coenside with his work hours or his son's school hours.
Yes I can understand there needing to be someone there for his son after school, I know that,
but when a job is open to be taken and worked at , that person or everyone should be happy that it is one that is willing to be worked at, not frowned upon,
to me a paycheck coming in is GOOD no matter what the work is that you are doing or willing to do at the time,
you can always find another job with better hours to work at while one is temporarily at that one.
But when the other party isn't willing to let you be happy to do that one job, even for a temp job, then whats the use.
I'm one of those that is one to stay in a relationship and work it till there is no other alturnative , but to pull up steakes
and go seperate ways.

I am a fighter of many causes and many reasons, I am a compasionate person, some times just a bit to passionate
in what I do believe in, but that is just me.
I am one to "rock the boat" or to be a "whistle blower" when I see or hear or know something isn't going right and tryingto be coverd up .
I do believe in doing whats right and what is fair for all, even if it means doing what I have done and caused the ripples I have caused.
I am one to put others before me or my needs , wants, and desires, I'd rather others have what they want or need before I take care of me, its my nature of being like that, I don't care if its seen as stupid or crazy, but I have ALWAYS been like that.
I will ALWAYS be like that no matter what.
I feel guilty when i am selfish about me, thats from being a Mother of 4 and a Grandma of 2.
I'd rather GIVE if I have it to give than TAKE and not care.
Being selfish and or self centerd to me is not caring about anybody else but your self.
That if someone were to need money no matter the amount, IF I have and or can afford to help with it, I do and will.
To me money is nothing but something that only fools are not willing to part with, for fear of being used and screwd over for it.
I'm not a matireal type person, but I do like to have comforts, but ONLY after everyone else I LOVE and deeply care for are taken care of first.
In some ways I am a prude, and in others I'm one of those that don't care about my wants or needs, I just know
that someone else is in need more worse than me.
I don't hold things over people's heads, I don't use things against them to get what I want either, but only if I have to,
Which is an EXTREEM RAREITY for me to do that, and then the guilt sets in.
I can be one of the nicest and easiest going people you could ever meet or I could become their worst nightmare.
I let them do the choosing in which way they want me to be.
I don't judge a person for their past or short comings, not my job to do that, not what I was put here on Earth for.
I look for the GOOD in all I meet, but I also can see the worst and bad in a person, If I don't like someone I either ignor them or let them know right off the bat to keep their distance from me, because I have no use for them and I don't like them.
And I'm one not to care what people say about me, they are the ones that will be shown wrong in the end.
I tell people you can mess with me, you can mess with my money, but there is some thing you DON'T mess with and thats my Family and Kids, Cause I will be hell cometh with a fury when that happens and I take no prisoners when that happens.

I do gather my FACTS before I do set into take care of the CRAP that is going on with my family or kids
before I come after the idiot that is the cause of the problems.
I don't know if what I'm doing is right , this move to back home is the direction I feel I need to be going right now.
My family and I depend on me to be there no matter what and I am one to do that.
My Family comes before anything in my life, but GOD comes before all.