untitled

Wow! I got so many titles for this one running through my head that its hard to choose, so I have left it untitled, and for good reason. I'm SCARED, I mean I am truely scared and to those who know me, know I don't scare easily and or that I'm not scared of much.

After 11 yrs of of something I hold near and VERY oear to my heart and have been praying for to happen, is about to happen. How it will turn out. I don't know. Only GOD knows because He is the one who determines how,when, where, and why. As well as who. Wow! I am a bag of mixed emotions as this gets closer to happening. I catch my self being short of breath at times, my heart racing along with my pulse, I find my self being cornerd almost an snapping at those closest to me. I know why I'm doing this, I do and I know why I'm guarding my self over this as well.
I also know that once its here and I have standing in front of me will be what prayers have been answerd.
That will be one or two or all 3 of my youngest children that I had lost in a custody battle to my (missing link) ex husband. I have not been able to seethem, talk to them, or call them or write them since July 4th of 1998. The judge orderd me and my daughter to do a evaluation to see if she and I were stable and not the monsters that my ex and his father made us out to be.
My mother got a letter from my oldest son William telling her that all this time they did not know they could have been communicating back and forth with her and the rest of the family, but just not with me and their oldest sister. In it he also said he didn't understand why I left them and was looking for closuer.


I keep saying to everyone and myself I am ready for this, I can do this, I have answers for them and I know that some or alot or all of it they will not like and will be hard to understand and digest. I can't and won't hold them responseable for what their father allowed to happen as to what the kids would say to him, their grandparents, and the judge. At the time of the divorce and custody hearings my kids all were 14 yrs, 7&7 yrs, and 6yrs old.by the time 1998 of July rolled around they were on the verge of becoming 8&8 and 7 yrs old as well as my daughter she had turned 15 by then.
I know the victory is just around the corner, and the battle is about to flare back up, only this will be with a different side to this. it will be the same issues, the same pain, but only it will be time to open up what had thought been heald up to squeeze out as much of the poison as possible. It lies just beneith the surface of us all.

The thing I WANT to do most is to get to know who ever it is if not all of them , get to know them again and allow them to know me as me their mother and mom.



When we meet face to face a victory will be at hand.